Marriage is hard. A great marriage is even harder. It takes sweat, tears, and sometimes grinding of teeth to make the marriage you want. Call it gravity if you’d like, but without some very specific, intentional maintenance, most marriages begin to self-destruct. Well over half of couples in America divorce after allowing this downward trend to spiral out of control.

According to Proverbs 24:26, ”an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” So consider yourself “kissed” because Kiss and Tell exposes the truth about marriage. In a lovingly direct, honest, humorous and simple manner, Dr. Gibbs reveals the difficulties in everyday relationships, as well as practical strategies to marriage success and satisfaction.

Whether you are happily married, or experiencing some significant struggles in your relationship, Kiss and Tell will inspire and equip you! So roll up those sleeves and put these pages to hard work. You’ll be glad you did!

Introduction

& n b s p ; & nbsp;          Connie spoke with sincerity as she began to explain why she made an appointment to see me: “Tom and I are having so many problems. Our relationship is such a struggle and we feel absolutely overwhelmed. We fight and bicker all the time. We have nothing in common. Even when we are together, we have nothing to talk about. To be honest, we really don’t even like one another anymore. The “butterflies” are definitely long-gone. We don’t know where to turn or what to do. I think it may be hopeless. Is there anything we could do that would actually help? I don’t believe in divorce, but…” What a familiar conversation! Countless times over the years, within the walls of my cozy office, I have desperately attempted to encourage couples who felt there really was no hope for their relationship. Frankly, I have sometimes been the only one in the room during that first session who still had hope for their marriage. Why did I have hope, even when they didn’t? Because, I have witnessed far too many healed marriages to be hopeless. It is from the requests of these hurting couples that this book was born. When you are hurting, you want honest, simple, practical solutions. You want to know what works for other couples, with some thread of trust that it might actually help you. So, in answer to the many requests I’ve received over the years, I have compiled that “to-do” list into this book. Indeed, this is what years of couples’ counseling has taught me about marriage. Within these pages, you will meet many couples. Though the stories have been adapted or even blended together, and the names changed, the difficulties are still real. I hope you will take the opportunity to learn from them, just as I did.

& n b s p ; & nbsp;          I’ve said many times that God called me to be a counselor for my own benefit, rather than others. Sure, I do have the opportunity to watch the hand of God in close proximity and I am honored to be used as a vessel of His truth, but, the most significant impact is how the healing process of others affects me as an individual. You see, God knew I’d need to see the harsh realities of marriages gone bad in order to really have a drive to protect and nurture my own. God granted me an incredible privilege when He began to take me into the trenches to minister to people in their deepest and darkest hurts and wounds. Indeed, He used them to challenge me. He used their sin to teach me that no-one is beyond sin, myself included. He used their obedience to encourage me to obedience. He has used the healing transformation of marriages in my office to prove to me that I am never to give up on my own marriage. I will be eternally grateful to those couples who have passed my way.  They have allowed me to play a role in making a difference in their lives, and in return they have made a significant impact on my life. What a precious gift they have been to me!

& n b s p ; & nbsp;          I recently saw an ad for a strength training program that showed one interview after another of participants who admitted the extreme difficulty of the program. They didn’t try to minimize the amount of time or effort that the program required. They showed before and after photos of these participants with obvious drastic results. Next, they showed participants in the midst of training. There was sweat, grinding of teeth, grunts and groans. “It’s really tough, but it’s worth it” was the basic message of the commercial. Wow. How refreshing. Isn’t it nice for someone to speak straight and tell the truth? I bet you get as frustrated as I do watching commercials of programs with trainers working out with a big smile on their face and not one indication of sweat or strain. They make a one-hour, ripping workout appear perfectly painless. Unfortunately, these messages are based more on marketing manipulations than truth, because we know that anything that is really effective requires work, hard work! So, I am going to leave all fabrications behind and talk straight with you. Marriage is hard. A great marriage is even harder. It takes sweat, tears, and sometimes grinding of teeth to make the marriage you want. It takes even more sweat and tears to keep your marriage that way. Participating in a marriage that reflects God’s intentions for the relationship requires active obedience. Call it gravity if you’d like, but without some very intentional maintenance, most marriages begin to self-destruct. Well over half of couples in our country divorce after letting this downward trend spiral out of control. Yet, I’ve never seen a couple fail when they both actually worked hard to succeed. I don’t mean a half-hearted effort. I mean a self-less, sold-out commitment to succeed. For some of these couples, it has been a sacrifice of time, sweat and tears, but it worked. It reminds me of these strength training programs. With the right technique and enough perseverance, there are obvious results. I can almost hear these couples testify, “It’s really tough, but it’s worth it!”. So, let’s get rid of our unrealistic expectations and just be honest. We are not living in a soap opera. The scriptures say that “an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips” (Proverbs 24:26). So, consider yourself kissed, because I am told that I am sometimes brutally (but lovingly) honest and I intend to give you a clear word of truth. The truth is, there are some things we need to stop doing and some things we need to start doing in order for our marriages to survive and thrive. So, let’s get on a successful program and know that it will be tough, but worth it!

DR. DONNA GIBBS is the director of A Clear Word Counseling Center. She also serves as the director of marriage and support ministries for Mud Creek Baptist Church. Donna holds degrees in Psychology, Community Counseling, and Christian Counseling. She is co-author of Water From the Rock: Finding God’s Comfort in the Midst of Infertility, and enjoys her many opportunities speaking to churches and organizations. Donna and her husband Mark, reside in Hendersonville, NC with their three miracle sons.